Tag Archives: iran
Secretary of State and kept man John Kerry is chosen by President Obama to personally deliver the
ransom payoff winnings to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khardashian’s garage and thank him profusely for taking the money and releasing our stupid sailors who didn’t go to college and ended up in Iranus.
UPDATE: We’re seeing reports that Kerry has been brutally violated but no official confirmation as yet. Dispatches claiming the abuse was anal in nature likewise remain unproven at this time. We’ll update as details come in…
Rumor has it he jetted into Irania to gain the sailors’ freedom by way of an overnight stay at the Ayatollah’s remote mountain retreat*.
*The location was somewhat difficult to discern as the phrase “remote mountain retreat“in Fonzie (the official language of Irania) translates equally well into “hairy black asshole“, the difference depending on the inflections in the spoken words. As we worked from a transcript, we can only guess which translation is more accurate. We’re pretty sure we guessed correctly. -Ed.
(I saw where Obama paraphrased Ralph Waldo Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer, yes) saying “Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” The actual verse from Emerson begins “Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” but if we’re paraphrasing I’ll take my stab at it.)
Definitely not the sweetness Obama expected. It’s Iranian Honey. Made a different way.
As long as they follow the rules…but they did give their word.