Tag Archives: john kerry
Secretary of State and kept man John Kerry is chosen by President Obama to personally deliver the
ransom payoff winnings to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khardashian’s garage and thank him profusely for taking the money and releasing our stupid sailors who didn’t go to college and ended up in Iranus.
UPDATE: We’re seeing reports that Kerry has been brutally violated but no official confirmation as yet. Dispatches claiming the abuse was anal in nature likewise remain unproven at this time. We’ll update as details come in…
by Earl of Taint/ MFNS
GENEVA/Yo-de-lay-ee-oh! — Secretariat of State John F. Kerry cut short a scheduled week-long overseas trip Sunday to return home after suffering injuries during an early-morning bicycling accident near this Swiss city.
A spokesman said Kerry, 71, broke his right femur, near the site of prior hip replacement surgery, a portion of his face, near the site of prior cosmetic surgery and suffered deep trauma wounds to his genitalia, which may be attributable to a recent round of negotiations in Turkey. No one else was involved in the accident, which occurred when Kerry hit a curb with his bicycle.
As the injuries are deemed as occurring in service to the country, Kerry has awarded himself three additional Purple Heart medals, bringing his total count to a world record 26.
MFNS/ March 31, 2015
Secretary of State John Kerry was pulled out of the Iranian nuclear negotiations on a stretcher today after he was reportedly “bitch-slapped” severely by the Iranian delegation and then de-pantsed. Additionally, his latest injuries mark his third time to be wounded in-theater*, earning him his (world record) sixth self-awarded Purple Heart and a golden ticket back to the States.
Reached by phone aboard his luxury yacht, Teresa’s Purse, Secretary Kerry granted us a few moments during a break from his grueling course of convalescence. “I owe it all to my Good Luck Hat.”, he said, grunting in pain. “CIA guy gave it to me in Cambodia…and it’s never let me down**. It got me out of ‘Nam and now Switzerland. It’s like magic.”
*paper cut, atomic wedgie
**2004 does not count. The Magic Hat only gets him out of things.