EARL OF TAINT

Secretary of State and kept man John Kerry is chosen by President Obama to personally deliver the ransom payoff winnings to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khardashian’s garage and thank him profusely for taking the money and releasing our stupid sailors who didn’t go to college and ended up in Iranus.

UPDATE: We’re seeing reports that Kerry has been brutally violated but no official confirmation as yet. Dispatches claiming the abuse was anal in nature likewise remain unproven at this time. We’ll update as details come in…