Tag Archives: china
*Around 3 billion dollars in foreign cash to board member Joe-Boy Hunter’s slush fund corps. Powerful and unbreakable. Can You Feel the Love?
(MFNS CHINA) We were all setup and ready to get pictures of FLOTUS as she came into town for lunch but the smog became really thick, obscuring our view. We hung out a few hours waiting for her to finish but the visibility was still so poor, we knew it was pointless to even try to get a shot. Then a major sewer line broke.
We report this not because we have official confirmation of the facts but the foul stench was so immediate and overwhelming, there could be no other rational possibility of its source. As of this writing 7 persons have required hospitalization and dozens of other have been treated at the scene. Injuries include scorched lungs, chemically-peeled sinuses and temporary blindness, though the majority of victims complain only of intense nausea and an extreme aversion to ever eating food again.
At this time, Chinese officials have not ruled out terrorism and the investigation is ongoing. US officials assure us FLOTUS was never in any danger though some members of her Secret Service detail were reportedly found passed out in the restaurant, just now.
The White House released this example of the educational materials made available to Teachers and Students who are tracking FLOTUS and her family on their journey through China. Note how they cleverly tie objects of scholarly study to the day-to-day activities of the First Lady and her entourage. This makes learning more fun!
It also enables the Obamas to charge the entire tab to the U.S. taxpayers. This makes traveling more fun!
We heard FLOTUS would be visiting a panda preserve so we went undercover in our home-made bear suits. Not only did they wave us right in, they also escorted us to the same compound where Mrs Obama had stopped for lunch with her group. Unfortunately we were again only able to upload one photo before things went south.
What happened was my local guide, Dung, had a pocketful of mixed flavor Jolly Ranchers. Best I can figure, that particular combination of aromas produced a powerful pheromone-type scent which triggered an intense reproductive urge in the panda bears. I lost my phone in the ensuing melee but was able to flee as the pandas ignored me. They were going at Dung like rabbits. FLOTUS got the Jolly Ranchers.
Poor Dung. Next time no shorts, dumbass!
More to come! Probably.