MFNS WORLD HQS – SHREVEPOTE, LOOZIANNA/ January 31, 2015
– Earl of Taint/ MFNS
Middle Finger News Service, LLC (MFNS) one of the world’s largest and most admired media conglomerates announced today the addition of a new science reality show to their spring prime time cable lineup. Hosted by Vice President Joe Biden, each hour long episode will demonstrate the laws of nature as they impact our lives in everyday situations. Appearing as “Uncle Joe”, the ever-affable and proto-clueless Biden had previewers rolling in the aisles as he explains basic forces like gravity, resistance, fluid dynamics, energy/friction/heat and the physics of maple syrup in the context of walking, hitting your head, hair restoration and swimming naked with the grandkids.
**(UPDATE) We were able to meet for a brief moment with MFNS founder and CEO, Diogenes Sarcastica as she was vacuuming-up the piles of cash scattered over the plush alpaca wool carpeting of her showcase office suite atop MFNS Tower. Awarded the title “World’s Hottest Founder And CEO” for the 2nd year in a row by the peer-reviewed scholarly journal “Hot Founder And CEO Quarterly”, as published by The Taint Collective for the Study of Hotness in Founders and CEOs, the stunning Ms Sarcastica denied any acquaintance with us, refused to speak to us about the show, berated us for drooling on her carpet and money, then had us roughly escorted from the building by her personal security team. Phone calls to her office have not been returned.
***(UPDATED UPDATE) While this would normally wound us deeply, we feel certain it is just a matter of mistaken identity. Once we convince the boss we are who we say we are, we have no doubt she’ll ask us in for coffee and baguettes bigenets bagnuts those little powdered donuts. Not that we’re needy here but this is kind of embarrassing. A little affirmation and approval, that’s all we ask. Répondez s’il vous plaît?
EARL OF TAINT 
Reblogged this on A Conservative Christian Man.
“I haven’t lost a retina yet!” Har, wasn’t that what “Dingy Harry” Reid said before his alledged workout equipment accident?
Watch out for her security team. They’re hands on and report their findings back to DS.
The best approach to get a raise in pay I have every seen! Well done.
Pay? Seriously? I was just after your donuts.
All this time I thought you were after our souls…….donuts??? :-)
Sorry about the mix up Earl. After Steve Kroft and the 60Mins. crew bum rushed the MFNS office staff about the rumors of my elicit affair with Fidel Castro, I have to be careful…know what I’m sayin?
Thanks boss, I feel better.
Wait…you and Fidel?
Yeah, Fidel used to like the way I picked the fleas out of his beard. But let’s not let this get out…..
Flea-picking Fidel?
I will take it to my grave, no worries Boss.
Kroft. He won’t be bothering you anymore
All I know is that this show will be 5 times as entertaining as watching Bill Nye or NDT talk about science, so I predict you’ll make a fortune and that all will be forgiven. You’ll be rolling in Beignets and cafe au lait in no time, Earl. You deserve it!
Thanks buddy. I don’t do much rolling these days. I can still rock, a little, if that’s socially permissible.
Earl, Love your new sponsor Stankey Steamer. Just one thought though, they claim “Fresh as a Daisy in two miles or less…” All the daisies I’ve ever put nose to were none too fresh. Know what I’m saying?
I think I do, Ace. The version they run in the European markets reads “Fresh as a Fish”
Did you mean solar eclipse, Earl? They are the ones that’ll fry your retinas. Keep up the good work! Love your stuff!
Don’t tell me, tell Joe.
And thanks!
Earl you dog! Is the that the first Wookie on that Stanky Steamer ad?????
Your the best!