Kerry Sustains Third Wound In Switzerland – Automatically Rotated Back To The U.S.

MFNS/ March 31, 2015

Lausanne, Switzerland

Secretary of State John Kerry was pulled out of the Iranian nuclear negotiations on a stretcher today after he was reportedly “bitch-slapped” severely by the Iranian delegation and then de-pantsed. Additionally, his latest injuries mark his third time to be wounded in-theater*, earning him his (world record) sixth self-awarded Purple Heart and a golden ticket back to the States.

Reached by phone aboard his luxury yacht, Teresa’s Purse, Secretary Kerry granted us a few moments during a break from his grueling course of convalescence. “I owe it all to my Good Luck Hat.”, he said, grunting in pain. “CIA guy gave it to me in Cambodia…and it’s never let me down**. It got me out of ‘Nam and now Switzerland. It’s like magic.”

Earlier Today - All Hat And No Cambodia
Earlier Today – All Hat And No Cambodia

*paper cut, atomic wedgie

**2004 does not count. The Magic Hat only gets him out of things.


  1. Brian Williams remarked that he’d given his old boonie hat to “some CIA guy in Cambodia”…

    1. I wish I had this thing in 2004. I did a bit on Kerry’s changing positions – The Kerry Kama Sutra. Like 12 or 13 pics in the series. Lots of laughs.

  2. How can I buy some panther piss, ahem dog whiz? There’s no link.

Comments are closed.