I Read Somewhere That We’ve Never Found A Single Prehistoric Cave Painting Of A Salad And This Explains A Lot

I have a theory that the Vegans were the first people sold into captivity. The brutish Neanderthals bought them as slaves. Vegan women were ravished in a fashion not intended for their much smaller ooga-boogahs and the damage done helped doom pure Vegan blood to extinction. Their unborn fetuses would soon start to slip and fall right out of the mothers’ severely dilated birth canals, well before they were able to survive ex-utero. Soon there were no pure Vegan babies born anywhere, ever again.

Anyway, I’m just using my imagination here, but it’s entirely plausible this event sparked a new regard for reinforcing pelvic flooring. Following max-depth coital interface with a male Neanderthal. most Vegan women experienced pelvic tissue prolapse – and that led to the invention of the Kegel exercises still in use today.

Along with witch hazel soaked tampons which served as a huge leap forward from the Yak dung plugs used prior.

This bears further research. I need to scratch up a government grant or two. I’ll work in some kind of non-binary gender neutral angle, since that’s where the big gubmint sauce is flowing nowadays. I will ride that gravy train, Fauci Style.

A Famous Paleo Geographer – Not Me


  1. Magnificent research! I’m impressed!
    And this famous cave illustration showing Keith Richards painting a Mammoth is just more proof of his rumored immortality.

    1. Keith Richards?
      I could have sworn it was Lori (Groot) Lightfoot’s wife.

  2. I had no idea that Earl was such a history buff. Probably only 4 or 5 other people on the planet that can correctly spell ooga-boogah, the hyphen is key! Having no knowledge of Neanderthals, or vegans myself, the only thing I can relate to in the story, is my experience with some women in my younger days, that may have been ravaged by said Neanderthals. I will leave that comment to your imagination. Have a nice day!

    1. “Vegans are okay. They taste like grain-fed as long as you wrap them in bacon.”
      J. Dahmer

  3. Earl, consider the effect of some gold ole gain-of-function research on them vegan women. You’ll qualify for grants from both the University of North Carolina and from Xi.

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