Romaine Or Ptomaine – Just Say No To Lettuce

“Lettuce is unfit for human consumption. Lettuce is not food, it is what Food eats.”

~ President Theodore Roosevelt

As if anyone needs a reason to avoid eating lettuce, now we learn it is – once again – likely dusted with human poo remnants when it lands on your table. It’s really best to just not eat lettuce at all. It’s been clinically proven that lettuce, no matter the variety, will not form a stool. It serves no nutritive or digestive purpose. It is 99% water. Instead, why not try a more nutritious and satisfying substitute like say french-fried potatoes or bacon?

Things that aren’t picked, by people, out of remote fields, with no bathrooms

You’re Having Salad?



  1. Human poo is the secret flavor ingredient that turns plain old iceberg lettuce into arugula, the elegant salad ingredient preferred by Batears, Jean Kerry, and top flight progressive snobs around the world.

  2. Thanks for not offering that disgusting kale sh*t as an alternative that Mike Obama was pushing on us either.

    1. Silly Diogenes… if that was magilla’s caboose it would block out the entire horizon, or perhaps the “Whore-izon”. (pronounced “HO-rizin” for cultural sensitivity).

  3. We shouldn’t be dropping bombs on Syria, we should be dropping birth control pills on the taco cannibals.

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