UPDATE UPDATE: Many thanks to MJA at IOTW for the link!
Keep this card in your wallet. Stare at it for a few seconds prior to any potentially dicey romantic occasion*. Our patented Instant ED will take effect immediately** – leaving you completely incapable of performing any method of reproductive activity whatsoever.
The Kid is definitely not yours! What a Relief!!
*You strapped on the beer goggles, for example. This cuts right through that fog.
**Only normal heterosexual men were tested. Your results may vary. Call your doctor if you achieve an erection of any duration, as this might indicate homosexual and/or bestial tendencies. Stop looking at the card until you know for sure. Or not, like we really care.