Centuries Old Carvings Come Out Of Nowhere To Trigger Fears Of Racism Run Wild


Alert reader SafeSpace has alerted us to the existence of an awful, hurtful, hateful relic of our racist past that stands as an open affront to the African American Community and as such must be taken down immediately.  No question about it.  We cannot just watch it stand there, triggering our shy, sweet and sensitive colored citizens who only just recently escaped the evil clutches of brutal human bondage.

So now we’re alerting you.  Carry it forward, good people.

stone mountain card

Of course we’re talking about Stone Mountain in Georgia. A big fat towering batholith of white supremacisticismy that features carvings – right there in the stone, mind you – meant to honor some old dead white racist rebel trash members of the Alt Right.  As if such a thing could be tolerated and permitted to exist, *after Charlottesville.

No no no no no.  This could not be allowed to stand unchanged, for it meant a sharp slap in the face – like the crack of a whip – to all innocent African Americans who drove at least 25 miles out of their way on purpose to see such a traumatizing sight.  We formed a Committee including stakeholders from all known Communities of Identity – and after months of meetings, hard work and outreach we have finally approved the plan for the revised Monument and we’re proud to present it to the public, knowing now they can’t do a damn thing to stop it.  Here’s a mock-up of the new postcard from the Dept of Tourism:

bigblackassmountain

We’re going to smooth off those ugly old carvings and will have an expert team of Italian sculptors come and fashion an entire new Monument that pleases current social sensibilities and acts as a soothing salve for the feelings of all LGBLT/SSDD and also all People of Color.  Chemical darkening of the rock will diminish the previously overwhelming whiteness (documented but never acknowledged!) of the stone.  Blending with the tribal motif of the carving, the well-designed, hi-tech Sphinxter Speaker will broadcast famous inspirational speakers and assorted public educational announcements, reminding all visitors of their inherent racism, oppressive whiteness and the need for cash reparations – gladly accepted at the gate.

SPHINXTER

18 Comments

  1. Great concept Earl but unfortunately the shit those folks spew comes out of their mouths. It only sounds like they are talking out of their ass.

    1. We wanted to bring a sense of triumph-ism to the African American victims. So they can say “kiss my shiny black ass mountain muhfucker” or something like that and feel good about themselves. So everybody’s happy.

  2. Another major triumph, Earl. Keep ’em coming. My wife just ralphed after seeing this, and spilled her hot coffee all over my lap. Who wants to touch her now?

    Really funny as shit, though.

  3. A fine job, Earl — but where is Maxine Waters? Maybe she’s driving the little tourist train that goes around the base of Stone Mountain? Gee, I’d sure hate to miss hearing ol’ Maxine rant, on my next picnic at that park.

  4. “Come sniff it.”
    YOU come sniff it. I ain’t sniffin that. I got standards.

    Jerry Lewis Farrakhan. Colon Paperdick.

    See, this is the sort of Tom Foolery that landed you in so much, and such frequent trouble in junior high.

    “Miss. Oh, Miss.”

    “What, Little Debbie?”

    “It’s Earl. AGAIN! He’s disrupting class with his wise cracks and funny names.”

    “Thank you, Sweetheart. Earl de Taint!”

    “Wuh?”

    “Don’t ‘wuh’ me, Earl de Taint. Take your clown self to the principal.”

    “Wuh?”

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