Honors I’ve Received From Nice People:
Thank You Cousin!
Whelp. We’ve come under fire in the comments today. We stand accused…quite sharply and profanely I must say…of “making shit up” in regards to our likely award-winning photojournalistical operetta on the recent flooding in Houston. Making Shit Up. The very idea.
The. Very. Idea.
We are appalled, to say the least. As semi-professional auxiliary journalists – every single one of us here (at the EOT Imagination Inflammation Sensation) are perfectly-seasoned with months of experience in crafting the newstruth for our viewers. The one accusation that cuts the closest to our hearts is a charge of Dishonesty in our coverage of current events. Nothing (yes, paternity claims are bad too but not typically considered as being professionally deadly) could ruin our reputations as completely as charges of lying, or even worse – fabricating the news from thin air.
So we’ll offer here, as further evidence of our honest and forthright quest for Truth, more photos depicting the News As It Really Is. Nasty, icky and smelly news – with no shiny Network polish or Big Cable Zesty Lefty facade. Straight Up and Raw. For the People. You take a look then tell us we’re Making Shit Up. We dare you, Haters.
This man cannot find his mother. She has Alzheimer’s and a history of running away. Anyone with information is urged to call the Sheriff’s Help Hotline . Thank you.
Reports of Obvious Insurance Scams Emerge – All Seniors Advised To Be Aware
Finally, our Top Story Tonight.
No one is covering it because no one ever thought it could be a problem, until now. But there is a genuine disaster in the making, down in storm-battered Houston. Exposure to driving rains and hurricane force winds have cost tens of thousands of women, men and woman-men their natural and artificial hair pieces, wigs and weaves. The replacement costs will be staggering.
But the real danger has only just become apparent. The sodden, wind-blown extensions are draining into one low-lying area of town, in overwhelming numbers. Sanitation crews cannot keep up with recovery and the excess do’s are clumping together into impenetrable mats, many infested with venomous creatures. Local Task Forces are working on a comprehensive plan of action but short term are shooting the weaves from helicopters.
Alert reader SafeSpace has alerted us to the existence of an awful, hurtful, hateful relic of our racist past that stands as an open affront to the African American Community and as such must be taken down immediately. No question about it. We cannot just watch it stand there, triggering our shy, sweet and sensitive colored citizens who only just recently escaped the evil clutches of brutal human bondage.
So now we’re alerting you. Carry it forward, good people.
Of course we’re talking about Stone Mountain in Georgia. A big fat towering batholith of white supremacisticismy that features carvings – right there in the stone, mind you – meant to honor some old dead white racist rebel trash members of the Alt Right. As if such a thing could be tolerated and permitted to exist, *after Charlottesville.
No no no no no. This could not be allowed to stand unchanged, for it meant a sharp slap in the face – like the crack of a whip – to all innocent African Americans who drove at least 25 miles out of their way on purpose to see such a traumatizing sight. We formed a Committee including stakeholders from all known Communities of Identity – and after months of meetings, hard work and outreach we have finally approved the plan for the revised Monument and we’re proud to present it to the public, knowing now they can’t do a damn thing to stop it. Here’s a mock-up of the new postcard from the Dept of Tourism:
We’re going to smooth off those ugly old carvings and will have an expert team of Italian sculptors come and fashion an entire new Monument that pleases current social sensibilities and acts as a soothing salve for the feelings of all LGBLT/SSDD and also all People of Color. Chemical darkening of the rock will diminish the previously overwhelming whiteness (documented but never acknowledged!) of the stone. Blending with the tribal motif of the carving, the well-designed, hi-tech Sphinxter Speaker will broadcast famous inspirational speakers and assorted public educational announcements, reminding all visitors of their inherent racism, oppressive whiteness and the need for cash reparations – gladly accepted at the gate.
THE FOLLOWING IS A MAJOR PHOTOJOURNALISTICAL REPORT OF THE IMPACTIONS OF THE RECENT SEVERLE WEATHERS ON THE MOSTEST UNFORTUNATE AND UNDERPRIVILEGED COMMUNITIES OF POOR PEOPLE IN HOUSTON TEXAS. WE POLITELY REQUESTS YOU GIVE IT YOUR COMPLETE UNDISTRAFTED ATTENTON. AND DO BE ADVISE, IT MAY TAKE SOME PERSON’S ALL NIGHT. DO NOT FEEL RUSH IN ANY WAY, TAKE YOUR TIME IN PLACE AND BE RELAXET. – Shauntee Pearline Jackson, Community Layasian – MFNS/Earl of Taint Pretendisions
Great introduction, thanks Shauntee. OK, so our remote crew has spent an entire quarter to half a day in the midst of the watery environs of the besotted city of Houston Texas. The flooding from the recent Hurricane Harverey has left much of the city underwater. Of course, white neighborhoods are flooded just as badly as those of poor minorities, but we came to document the conditions of our – heck, everyone’s favorite victims, the good old African American Floodwater Waders, God bless ’em.
Not the most socially responsible product, we admit. But the demand is huge and if we don’t react and supply it, someone else will. Carry a large, reinforced umbrella – maybe a poncho. Eye protection is always advised. Full face shield recommended. Be careful out there.
We’ll donate a portion of our proceeds to benefit the disinfection of all public surfaces where our products caused (verified) contamination that may possibly present a hazard to the public. (Damage and or coatings of hair, mouths, noses, hands, faces and all other body surfaces/orifices of individuals and/or their personal property are not qualified for assistance as it is impossible to distinguish our possible contribution from pre-existing conditions.)
They’ve gotten much better with the launching. Not so much on the targeting. So they’re actually good fun to watch.
By The Well Hidden Imam’s Broad Buttocks, they’re going way too far with this shit. College football is played, of course, by Colleges. Colleges chock full of scurvy anarcho-communist student and staff Cracktivists who hate all forms of competition, any sort of winning or losing and all kinds of deodorant. They would love to have football summarily banned from the campus, but standing far from that reality they’ll settle for ruining popularly celebrated and historic traditions by tying them to modern day social justice offenses and thus pressuring to have them banned and/or altered by the school administrators.
But they’ll never get this far, right? Earl’s just being retarded, like usual.
An excerpt from her upcoming book “What Happened This Time”:
“This is not okay, I thought,” Clinton said, reading from her book. “It was the second presidential debate and Donald Trump was looming behind me. Two days before, the world heard him brag about groping women. Now we were on a small stage and no matter where I walked, he followed me closely, staring at me, making faces.
“It was incredibly uncomfortable. He was literally breathing down my neck. My skin crawled. It was one of those moments where you wish you could hit pause and ask everyone watching, ‘Well, what would you do?’ Do you stay calm, keep smiling and carry on as if he weren’t repeatedly invading your space? Or do you turn, look him in the eye and say loudly and clearly, ‘Back up, you creep. Get away from me. I know you love to intimidate women, but you can’t intimidate me, so back up.’”
If you don’t already know, she molted. I remember clearly, I was watching when it happened. Her skin – about half of it – sloughed off and literally crawled across the stage. I’ll never forget… it began to fart incessantly and she had to give it a sip of water and a lozenge to make it stop.
She’s a vile, evil witch worthy of Perdition, but she’s being honest with this claim. It crawled. Screen shot below
Dear Scum Media, the disgustingly feral antifaggots will now be called what?
We think this could be an impulse buying bonanza, from an easily triggered demographic. The offer is posted below. Feel free to share it with everyone you’d like to see blinded for life.
And, for those needing help, here are the instructions: