Mister Saturday Night
I spent the better part of Sat night and Sunday morning barfing. When I wasn’t barfing I was drenched in sweat. Changed my t-shirt 6 times. Slept in a recliner in my man cave/garage because the in home AC was freezing me at 78. Couldn’t keep any liquids down and had no appetite for food. Barfed up my meds. Had a persistant abdominal pain – it wouldn’t let up. That’s why I call it persistent.
Went to the ER and got right in, amazingly. My BP was 225/112 so that helped expedite me. I was dehydrated. They gave me Dilaudid and 2 liters of precious bodily fluids and a CAT scan of my pelvic components – I waited patiently while they fetched the longer lens. We were done in 5 minutes. Go ahead and laugh…I was near death but ha-ha-ha.
So the Doc came in after and said I have Killary Stones attacking my kidneys. That bitch! The very idea! So I says “Let’s get those Ho’s out of there!” But he says I can push them out eventually…by myself. Through. My. Johnson. The dear sweet appendage to which I offer daily love and affection will, someday soon, be gnawed at by nasty little rocks with huge overbites. He gave me paper funnels with screens in the bottom, so I might catch the little peterorites as they exit my inflamed urethra. He gave me 4. Perhaps I’m supposed to rinse them out for re-use? My hope is the Drug Store has them by the box, so I can keep them at my desk.
Well anyway, I’m feeling much better now and thought I’d let everyone know I’m not yet dead. Because I’m not, yet.