Campaign Update: Well It Seems We Have Our First Scandal
I suppose with looks like his, it’s impossible to stop sex-crazed women from wanting him. Couple that with him having just about the biggest heart on him as any man that ever lived and…well, things like this are destined to happen. Oh well.
In un-good news for our fledgling campaign, our front man and stealth Earl has been busted down in the Florida Keys for, allegedly, heisting Trump’s private plane along with its trio of hand picked, young, hot, blonde, bisexual and exceptionally kinky flight attendants. Unverified local reports are stating when Police broke into the motel room, “…Taint (not me, the actor -Ed.) and his hostages were engaged in a drunken, half-naked exhibition of savage girl on girl beatings – which he robustly encouraged in order to satisfy his sick, sadistic, perverted animal urges…” (Again, as much as this may sound like me, I assure you it is not me -Ed.)
In a statement released by his campaign, Taint (not me) maintains his innocence and insists the facts, once known, will back him up. He claims he was in Key Largo to speak before a local group and also take in some deep sea fishing. The outing was successful and he caught several large tuna. He maintains this accounts for his hands bearing the strong odor of fish. When he went back to the motel to clean up, Taint states the girls were already in the room and highly inebriated when he entered. Assuming the inn had made a mistake, he went to phone the desk for corrective action when two of the girls yanked out the phone, pantsed him and forced him to drink their poisonous hard liquor until he blacked out. He awoke when police battered in the door. The girls were having a spirited pillow fight on his bed and they’d also stolen his underpants. He offered no explanation on the condoms or the lubricants, insisting they appeared after he became unconscious.
An ex-campaign spokesperson (just now quit) says all election activities will be suspended immediately, with all further efforts on hold pending the outcome of this serious investigation. Denied bail as a flight risk, Taint remains in the Achatoochee County Jail awaiting arraignment Monday morning.