Honors I’ve Received From Nice People:
Thank You Cousin!
Earl of Taint/ MFNS Exclusive:
An emotional Secretariat of State John Heinz-Kerry tearfully accepted the King’s crown from The International Douchebag Society at their annual convention Sunday in Geneva. The twelve-time U.S. champion had never come as close as finalist in previous international competitions and was clearly overcome with joy having bested top Douches from Europe, Asia, South Asia, Latin America and the Aleutian Islands to claim the royal crown. For the next 6 years, Kerry will (ceremoniously) reign supreme over all douches (in countries signatory to the Geneva Douche Accords) with the honorary title of King Vinegar.