Dozens Sickened, Hospitalised At Navy Yard Memorial Service


EarlofTaint/MFNS,

A mysterious gas released during today’s memorial service for the Navy Yard victims has hospitalized dozens of people exposed to the noxious substance. Witnesses on the scene reported a stench so foul that it was difficult to breathe before it dispersed, approximately 12 minutes after it was first emitted. Police have yet to identify the source of the gas, stating they cannot rule out terrorism at this point.

Eyewitness Vernon Van Dinkleberg gives this exclusive statement to MFNS: “Oh it was terrible, just the worst rotten ass kind of smell you could imagine. It was extremely sharp like acid. It burned my eyes, honestly. The odor was a combination of salsa picante, fried okra and raw sewage. The Devil’s own aftershave. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go burn these clothes.”

Security was already high at today’s service due to the presence of President and Mrs Obama, both of whom were completely unharmed. The President did appear a bit teary-eyed at one point in the service but the White House attributed that to heartfelt grief not a chemical burn.

mystery illness

15 Comments

  1. VERY uncharacteristic for lamont to extend THAT finger… he must have been VERY moved, (or had a movement… with HIM it’s nearly the same thing!).

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